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I did it because I wanted to be like the girls around me. I was, of course, the only person of colour. When I was 19 I had my first relationship with a perfectly handsome and squat white man. These were the aspects about me that were still deemed pure because of their relation to whiteness, and I was able to coast on them and the model minority myth to good grades, and acceptable Otherness, and subsequently, relative safety. And so in the eyes of the people around me, and myself, I could not be Girl. As I got older, to a more cogent age of nine, the lesbianism began and I knew I would never be Girl.

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Years later, I realised it was anger.

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On being mad, brown and hairy

Gender was a project of categorising colonised bodies and it continues to be so today — albeit in a better, softer disguise. The fateful afternoon when Layla, one of the bullies, locked me in a classroom and said she would only let me out if I told her where I get my eyebrows done. Females who are carrying around more testosterone than average. And it made complete sense to me. I wanted to be a boy from a young age. I would watch him each morning as he woke up, rubbed a hand over his face, and ran to a lecture, feeling, and indeed looking, perfectly acceptable to the world. My face was burning, this time with humiliation.

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